The agreement
I, as a passionate fan of one of Canada’s storied hockey teams (heretofore known as the “fan”) do solemnly swear to set aside my unwavering allegiance to the team I assume destined next to win (heretofore known as my “team”), and forego any and all team-specific histrionics in favour of the collective Canadian good, wherein, I do agree to cheer for every, and all Canadian teams, to the very last, until my throat groweth hoarse, my voice raspy, and my eyes teary.
1. Rivalry
I hereby agree to resist any urge to chirp, chide, or coerce any rival fan (formerly known as the “enemy”) as to cause undue harm, or breed cynicism – no matter how hard the urge is to resist – insofar as that rival fan cheers for a Canadian team.
2. Superstition
I agree to extend all personal superstitious behaviours and practices, to be of benefit to all Canadian teams, for the duration of their run. Be it beard growing, sweater washing, seat switching, anthem singing, broadcast watching – or not watching. With any and all additional and further idiosyncratic behaviours both savoury or unsavoury not mentioned included; whether it be to the consternation or disapproval of any partner, family member, or cohabitant.
3. Celebration
When assuming temporary fandom of all Canadian teams, it is both encouraged, and expected that you cheer vociferously for all wins, and impactful in-game moments, including but not limited to the following, as defined in the following list:
i. Genos, apples, & cellys
Good or garbage, a goal is a goal. Show your appreciation accordingly, and celebrate in a way that’s equal to the moment, time in the game, game in the series, and overall vibe in the room.
ii. Cheese: top, and crossbar; below the
An exception to this rule is a goal scored in the upper corners of the net, or below the crossbar, for which special admiration should be reserved.
iii. Dangles; dirty
From the cheekiest of backhands, to the filthiest of toe drags, all manner of dekes, fakes, and feints shall be celebrated with the appropriate amount of adoration.
iv. Big saves
Balancing heroics and blame on a razors edge, the goalie’s crease is hostile territory. Glove-flashing, hand-standing, and pad-stacking is a craft that can be employed with both stoicism, or a showman’s flourish. All are deserving of your respect.
v. Advancement
In playoff hockey, nothing is given. A war of attrition, every battle should be duly celebrated as if there is no tomorrow, whether it’s a shift, period, game, or series won. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed.*
*Though special care should be taken to avoid any drink spilling.
4. Bathroom breaks
All parties should understand that bathroom breaks should be kept to a minimum. Reserved for intermissions preferably, and stoppages in play when absolutely necessary. If taken during an important moment in game play, this may result in a rare instance of fan ejection.
5. Suspension of disbelief
aka the “so you’re saying there’s a chance rule”
It’s not over until it’s over. True fans know anything can happen, and should invest in teams accordingly. Comebacks come in all shapes and sizes, and cheering should continue until the handshake line is formed.
6. Acceptance
Should an opponent be too formidable to overcome, caps should be tipped, and good sportsmanship employed in accepting defeat. One’s attention should then be turned to more productive activities in lieu of wallowing, with recommendations including but not limited to: mock drafts, golf games, the improvement of routine personal hygiene, children’s homework, and resuming family activities and appearances.
7. Camaraderie
aka playing the game the right way
Your fandom should be an addition to the experience of other fans, not a distraction. Celebrate accordingly, and do your best to avoid reaching excessive volume, movements that extend far beyond the limits of your body, cursing, and donnybrooks of any size and scale.
